I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
