You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
