No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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