I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
