people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize