Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
