My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
