Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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