It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
