So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
