Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
