Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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