I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
