I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Randomize
