soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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