How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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