; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
