We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
