The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
