The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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