Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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