new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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