I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
