You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
