sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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