Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Randomize
