All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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