I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
