I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
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