I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You've changed since you got that strap on
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
