please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I checked into jail on foursquare
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
