So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
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He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
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I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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