I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
