a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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