"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I just want to make out with him forever
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
