i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
