so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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