He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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