Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
