maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
