My sheets look like a crime scene.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Randomize