everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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