Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
