Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize
