I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize