I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
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omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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