anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
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