I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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