i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
