im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
How does one acquire holy water?
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
