I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
