TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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