Your face is a jimmy john
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
