yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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