Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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