but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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