i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
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Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
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You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?