My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.