after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
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Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
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He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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