RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
