The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Randomize
